Five Ways To Keep Your Boundaries
How many times have you said yes to something that you really have no time for? And how many times have you then found you are annoyed with yourself for saying “yes”. But here’s the rub. You are also likely to be feeling resentment at finding yourself stuck with a task you don’t have time to do.
That moment when someone asks you to do something you really have no time for, yet you say “yes”, is also a moment when you have two simultaneous experiences:
• Fear kicks in that if you say “no” the person asking will be angry or disappointed with you.
• Your inner critic is telling you that it is only selfish and unlikeable people who say “no”.
Sanok tells us that at their core boundaries are all about who we give power to. The moment you allow a boundary to be transgressed is a moment that can force us to analyze why we may not be giving ourselves permission to work and live in the way that we feel is best for our well-being.
If we’re not deciding our own schedules and commitments who is? Setting boundaries allows us to decide when, how, and importantly if, we give this power away.
How can you begin to strengthen your boundary keeping habit? Here are five ways:
1. Begin by understanding:
• A ‘boundary' is simply what's ok and what's not ok for you. This is one of the hard parts for me because I rarely know my own boundaries until someone steps on them. If this is you, use that moment of resentment to get curious about your feelings. What is not sitting right for me? What has triggered my responses?
• Setting clear boundaries is a form of self-care – it ensures that you are saying “yes” and “no” to the appropriate things. Self-care is not selfish and should not be confused as such. Self-care is necessary for your well-being and enables you to treat yourself with the same kindness and consideration that you would show to others. Brene Brown puts it this way - boundaries are finding a way to be generous towards others while continuing to lead with integrity and staying true to yourself.
2. Get curious some more:
• What negative outcomes occurred from a boundary you set? Have those fears and anxieties that you imagined when setting a boundary come to pass? That time when you said you couldn’t take on a task because you were too busy with something else – did you get passed over for other opportunities?
• What positive outcomes have come out of a boundary you have set? Those who are clear about their boundaries are often more respected than those who are not. In part it is because you know where you are with them. For example, if you are clear with everyone that you don’t respond to emails after 5 pm, people will adapt to that message. But if you sometimes respond and other times don’t you are sending confused messages. In part it is because by maintaining their boundaries you are showing others that you have the confidence and inner strength to withstand the pressures around you.
3. Categorise your boundaries into hard and soft:
If you have not been great at setting and maintaining your boundaries, start with the easy ones. Once you have got those in place you can move to those that are a bit more difficult.
Sanok divides boundaries into hard and soft:
• Hard Boundaries (Non-Negotiables)
• Boundaries that you are unwilling to compromise on and need to act on immediately. Think of them as things you will never do or never accept as reasonable.
• Soft Boundaries (Aspirations)
• Soft boundaries that are more like wishes, and that you are willing to compromise on. Think of them as goals you want to reach but are flexible around. For example, maybe you want to start leaving the office at 4:30 pm instead of 5:30 pm, but other people (aka your manager) are involved in making that a reality. You can decide to take it slow and think about how you will initiate that conversation.
4. Try this exercise:
• At very short notice, you are asked to stay late to cover peak demand. You had other plans.
• How are you going to protect this boundary?
5. Follow Brene Brown and:
• Make a mantra. Brene remarks that she needs something to hold on to—literally—during those awkward moments when an ask hangs in the air. So she bought a silver ring that she spins while silently repeating, "Choose discomfort over resentment." Her mantra reminds her that those few seconds of discomfort that come with a “no” will soon pass. The ongoing feelings of resentment take rather longer to go!
• Keep a resentment journal. This advice from Brene reminds me of Sophie Hannah’s book “How to keep a grudge”. Right down your resentments and work out what is going on. Look at patterns in your life. Are you most likely to be resentful when you are tired and exhausted? Are there certain people in your life who trigger your “yes” more than others?
• Rehearse. Practice makes perfect so rehearse the phrases – out loud – so they come more easily in an actual situation. For example: "I can't take that on" or "My plate is full." Like many worthwhile endeavors, boundary setting is a practice.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” For me, these words from Brene Brown really get to the heart of why we find it so difficult to set or keep boundaries on what we find okay and not okay. Do we love ourselves enough to ensure our own needs are met?
wishing you well,
Christina
Professor Christina Hughes is Founder and CEO Women-Space Leadership Limited. She is a Professor of Women and Gender with twenty books to her name. She has had a long career in universities having served as Pro-Vice-Chancellor, University of Warwick; Provost, Sheffield Hallam University; and Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Interim) at the University of Kent.
• Sanok, J (2022) A guide to setting better boundaries, Harvard Business Review, https://hbr.org/2022/04/a-guide-to-setting-better-boundaries
• Brene Brown Boundaries https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLOoa8UGqxA