Is that habit of saying “sorry” holding you back? The short answer is not always!
Do you say sorry a lot? How about “just”? Or are you the person who sends “gentle reminders”?
Perhaps you use qualifiers such as “I might be wrong but ….” “I’m not an expert …” “This is just rough and ready ….”
Were you aware that these speech habits can be self-sabotaging? That you could be portraying an impression of yourself as weak, uncertain, apologetic?
Because of this, we are often advised to cut out these speech patterns and qualifiers so that we speak with more authority and directness. For example:
· Instead of “I’m just wondering…” you say “I’m wondering …”.
· Instead of “I’m sorry to trouble you” try “I need a moment of your time”
· For “Thinking off the top of my head” try “My thoughts on this topic are …”.
It is, of course, not only women who speak in these ways. Men do too. Indeed, it may well be a trait of particular nationalities. I have a Greek colleague who once told me that when she first came to live in the UK she was shocked at how we kept saying “sorry”, or indeed phrases such as “Would you mind very much”. However! Having lived here for thirty years she is so used to it she has picked up these ways of speaking herself. So much so that she is often embarrassed when her Greek family visit and speak far more directly.
A YouGov poll indicates that 36% of people reported they would say sorry if someone bumped into them compared with 24% of people in the USA. Apparently, the British say sorry about 8 times a day. And some even apologise up to 20 times a day!
The YouGov poll also indicates that British women say “sorry” more often than men.
Tara Mohr has three reasons why women use these linguistic qualifiers:
Habit. Like any habit, using certain words becomes an automatic, unthinking response. Live in a culture for any length of time and we pick up on patterns of language, as my Greek colleague’s experience testifies.
Self-doubt and fear. Because we can doubt our own knowledge and capabilities, we might soften our speech to protect ourselves from the embarrassment of getting something wrong in public. Take for example a lack of confidence with numbers – something I am particularly prone to. Whether or not I understood the metrics being reported in committee papers, there was always that shadow of doubt. Maybe I had got it wrong? The consequence was that I would either avoid saying anything at all – not a good move! Or I would say something like “My reading of these numbers …..”. I can’t think I ever said “These numbers are telling us ……” which would have been a far more assertive approach.
Strategic softening. This is the big one for me and explains why it is entirely rational that women use linguistic qualifiers so much. Women are subject to the likeability penalty. As my blog “Why are we so averse to powerful women” explores – women and men are held to different standards for leadership. An article from Stanford Universityarticle summarises this rather nicely:
“It is widely accepted that women should be nurturing, deferent, kind and warm. Men, in contrast, are valued for being confident, in control and outspoken. The problem for women is that the qualities essential to being a successful leader, such as assertiveness and directness, are contrary to predominant norms of femininity. Because of this, women leaders are often penalized. They may be disliked by their colleagues, or their communication style critiqued, which can result in their being fired or missing out on important promotions or assignments.”
This is, however, not the case for all women. In an article on “intersectional invisibility” Valerie Purdie-Vaughns and Richard Eibach draw attention to how women from minority ethnic groups are not held to the same standards as those from the dominant group.
As the Stanford article notes:
“If a white woman, whose femininity is stereotypically viewed as gentle and demure, behaves assertively, she may be penalized for being domineering. But in the same situation, a black woman may experience less dip in regard because stereotypes of black women’s “aggressiveness” and “loudness” do not align her femininity as closely to submissiveness. Carter notes that as an African American woman herself, she may experience more freedom to assert her thoughts, since she is not held to the same standards of femininity as white women. For example, she may be more outspoken in a professional setting, without incurring as much of the likability penalty as would a white woman because she already has less to lose in terms of regard.”
This doesn’t, however, mean it is easier for Black women when they are in leadership positions. Quite the opposite. They are judged as “angry” in ways White women aren’t and these judgements also impact their progression.
So how do you cultivate a successful leadership style that works for you?
· There is no reason at all why you shouldn’t start to reflect on your linguistic habits and consider if they are working for you – or not. Language is context dependent. In some situations you might want to change how you express yourself. In other situations, it may be entirely appropriate to use qualifiers, shrinkers and disclaimers. I know that I now read through my emails and erase the multiple “sorries” and “justs”. And if you are looking for more support here, try Tara Mohr’s “Before you hit send email checklist”.
· You do not have to be appeasing and deferent to be likeable. In fact, it can count against you. At a job interview, I was once asked if I wasn’t too “nice”. Clearly, I was sowing doubt that I could do the tough stuff. Also, being likeable is only part of what makes a great woman leader. And however you present yourself, you will know the adage that you can’t please all the people all of the time. Work on those aspects of your leadership you can control such as your experience, knowledge and capabilities. There are alternative ways of conveying friendliness and warm-heartedness.
Christina Hughes is a Professor of Women & Gender Studies and Founder and CEO of Women-Space Leadership Limited. You can find more about her here.