How to negotiate - without being seen as pushy

Everything is going well.  Your skills are being noticed and you are being offered new opportunities.  Indeed, a new role comes up that is so interesting that you want to take it.  You are also highly flattered that you have been chosen to do it.  

There is - though - a little sting in the tail.  This opportunity is being offered in addition to the role you already have.  There are no extra pay or other benefits to taking it on.  Besides the University is really cash strapped and there is a restructuring exercise going on.  But – you are told - this is a great ‘development’ opportunity.  

You say yes.  Not because you don’t know that you are already overstretched and overworked.  And not because you don’t know that down the line you are going to feel a bit annoyed that you are doing two jobs for the price of one.  

You say yes because there is a little voice inside you.  It says don’t rock the boat by asking for extra payment.  It will ruin relationships with your boss or your colleagues.  And – this little voice says – you will be seen as pushy and grasping instead of grateful for the chance being offered. 

This scenario – and many others - are played out every day in our workplaces.  When this happens it leaves us feeling simultaneously cheated by the institution we work for and annoyed with ourselves for allowing this to happen.

All the research in this area evidences that women are far less likely to negotiate than men – whether that’s over pay or anything else.  The reasons usually given for this is our felt lack of confidence and skill in what we think of as the secret art of negotiation. 

It is true that there are some important skills that we can learn when it comes to negotiation.  Having these skills does help us overcome our nervousness at the thought of negotiating for something that is important to us.  And being more skilled does enable each of us to engage in negotiation in more successful ways.

But skill development alone is not enough.

Sadly that voice that tells us how we will be judged simply because we are female is telling us something that is partly true.  As Hannah Bowles, Linda Babcock and Lei Lai note - when women behave in more masculine self-promoting ways they are judged harshly.  This is because we are not conforming to widespread expectations of how women should act.  Even more sadly this is the case whether we are negotiating with a man or a woman.  

The lesson here is that each time we act in ways that don’t conform to those strong social and cultural expectations of our gender - let alone not conforming to those expectations that lie at the intersections of ‘race’ and gender - we are putting ourselves in jeopardy.

It is no wonder that we hold back from negotiating for better outcomes for ourselves.  It really can be a risky business.

How then do we minimise that risk?  How do we ensure that we negotiate successfully and positively in ways that take account of these dynamics of power and stereotyping?  

One piece of advice we can give you actually aligns with the best practice in negotiation.  It is this.  You take an “It’s not just good for me.  It’s also good for you” approach.

This disrupts the expectation that you will be following the most common negotiation strategy of all – simply asking for more because you say you are worth it.  

An expert negotiator thinks of both themselves and the other party.  This means you are not only thinking “What’s in it for me”.  You are also thinking “What’s in it for you” – that is the person you are negotiating with and the wider organisation.  

To do this you need to restate the skills and experience you are bringing and how you will solve the problems that your organisation or the person offering you the role is facing.  You also say how quickly you can do this. 

By positioning yourself as assertive rather than demanding you are demonstrating the value that you know you can bring for the wellbeing of your employing institution.  Such a strategy not only preserves your reputation and your relationships.  It can actually enhance them.

With the warmest of wishing for your negotiating future.

Lisa and Christina

1 March 2023

If you were interested in following up an anything here, take a look at:

Hannah Riley Bowles, Linda Babcock and Lei Lai. (2007) Social incentives for gender differences in the propensity to initiate negotiations: Sometimes it does hurt to ask, Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 103, 84-103 https://lweb.cfa.harvard.edu/cfawis/bowles.pdf

Tanya Tarr (2018) How to Negotiate for Equal Pay, According to Twenty Black Women Leaders, Forbes Online, https://www.forbes.com/sites/tanyatarr/2018/08/07/how-to-negotiate-for-equal-pay-according-to-twenty-black-women-leaders/?sh=51c57fde59b6

PON (Programme on Negotiation) Daily Blog Great Women Leaders Negotiate, Harvard Law School https://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/leadership-skills-daily/great-women-leaders-negotiate/

See also this Harvard Programme on Negotiation for all the resources they carry. - https://www.pon.harvard.edu

Deepa Purushothaman, Deborah M Kolb, Hannah Bowles, and Valerie Purdie-Greenaway, (2022) Negotiating as a Woman of Color, Harvard Business Review, https://hbr.org/2022/01/negotiating-as-a-woman-of-color

Tanya Tarr How to Negotiate Equal Pay, According to Twenty Black Women :Leaders, Forbes, https://www.forbes.com/sites/tanyatarr/2018/08/07/how-to-negotiate-for-equal-pay-according-to-twenty-black-women-leaders/

WIN (Athena Centre for Leadership Studies) 4 Black Women Share their Insights to Negotiation and Better Pay https://www.winsummit.com/blog/4-black-women-share-their-insights-to-negotiation-and-better-pay