Why we have to stop being so tough on ourselves

When I was in my twenties I took what felt like the most enormous and risky step of my life.  I gave up a ‘good’ job, one with a pension and some security, to go to university.  Recently I made another pretty terrifying change in my life – this time into self-employment. What is interesting about these two major shifts is that, despite the dire predictions from everyone around me, when I made the choice to go to university I never doubted I was doing the right thing.  I was following my heart.  But with this move into self-employment my excitement combines with a little voice of negativity that makes me doubt sometimes that I am capable of doing this.  

We all have that Inner Critic in our heads.  Indeed, it is so much a part of us that we often don’t notice its impact.  We view it as just part of our normal thinking processes.  The four most common ways that this voice shows up is through:

·       comparing ourselves negatively with others such as “Mary is more beautiful than me”. “Joan is much smarter”.

·       believing other people are reacting to us poorly because of something we have done.  An example would be thinking we must have offended a colleague because they walked past us in the corridor without speaking.

·       triggering our guilt through ‘should’ statements such as “I should eat less”; “I should care for my mother more”; and so on.

·       labelling ourselves in terms of a judgement of our entire worth.  These are totalising thoughts such as “I am selfish” or “I am stupid”.

What is paradoxical about the inner critic is that she actually has our best interests at heart.  She comes from the flight or fright part of our brain that is designed to protect us from danger and life-threatening actions.  This is all well and good when we’re crossing a road and need to be reminded to look both ways.   And, of course, taking risks and moving out of our comfort zone provides great opportunities for growth.   However, it’s a different story when the Inner Critic becomes the dominating voice in our head to the extent that she is the director of our decision making or, so often, procrastination and fear of change. 

Our childhood conditioning and the cultural scripts of our society add to our Inner Critic’s repertoire to raise her voice.   When I passed my 11+ my mother would not believe me until I showed her the results slip.  The possibility that one of her children might be academically able was beyond her expectations.  It’s perhaps hardly surprising that I left school at 16 and when I did get to university in my twenties I spent the first year thinking they had made a mistake letting me in.  

As we might expect, when it comes to cultural scripts the big area that impacts on women is that of gendered expectations.  Take being ambitious.   Anna Fels speaks of how, for women, ambition implies “egotism, selfishness, self-aggrandizement, or the manipulative use of others for one’s own ends”.   Yet the women she interviewed had huge ambition when they were children - picturing themselves in roles such as presidents, fashion designers, rock stars and famous novelists.  Why don’t these early aspirations translate into achievements later in life?  

Research shows that teachers give less positive and more negative feedback to girls than boys and we are still given less encouragement than men to think big when growing up.  When our ambitions do survive into adulthood, too often those ambitions are downsized or abandoned.  This is because - as ‘good’ women - we tend to put the needs of those closest to us before our own.   I call this our ‘myself-last’ drive.  

Of course, this doesn’t stop us having ambition.  Rather we face a double bind.  We can either squash any thought of it and continually reshape our goals and expectations and so keep our ‘myself-last’ drive intact.  Or we can pursue our ambitions and risk that little voice leaping into our heads to tell us how self-centred or egotistical we are, and even perhaps that we aren’t up to it anyway.  

Psychologists argue that we cannot eradicate this voice and neither should we try to do so, given its importance in times of danger and concern.  However, we do need to be able to recognise its presence and quieten what can sometimes be an overwhelming negativity.  One way this can be done is through practising self-compassion.   

With its roots in Buddhism, self-compassion calls for us to refocus our brain away from negative thoughts and towards those that are more caring, forgiving and gentle.   In neuroscientific terms, practising self-compassion is a form of brain training that creates a greater positive-negative balance.  In Buddhist terms, kindness to self enables us to see our experiences as part of the larger human experience.   The more we are able to accept our own struggles and failings the more we are compassionate towards others.    

There are many positive outcomes that occur when we are being kind to ourselves.  A meta-review of this area by Yarnell and colleagues highlights how the practice of self-compassion supports more positive reactions to difficult situations, greater optimism and increased motivation.   This enables us to develop the courage and wisdom that enables us to flourish.  

For women, the practice of self-compassion can be especially important.  Not only does research highlight how women are more self-critical than men.  It also shows that, whilst we are more likely to be compassionate towards others, we are less likely to be compassionate to ourselves.  We will forgive our friends for forgetting our birthday but when we do something similar we see it as a sign of personal failure and beat ourselves up.  If you want to see how self-compassionate you are, you can go to Dr Kristin Neff’s website and complete the test she has made available.   The site also contains practice exercises and guided meditations. 

There is another reason why practising self-compassion is important.  Overall, it tunes us into our needs and desires and creates the self-acceptance of our right to have those aspirations in the first place.  Those hopes and dreams we squash?  It’s your heart speaking.   It is asking to be listened to as sometimes your heart is more honest than your head.  I followed my heart to go to University.  I have never regretted it.  I’ll let you know how I get on, in this, my latest career change.  Last time it worked out just fine, so this time - I am very optimistic.  

With the warmest of wishes.

christina

October 2021

If you wanted to follow up on anything here try:

Fels, A (2004) Do Women Lack Ambition? Harvard Business Review

Lisa M. Yarnell, Rose E. Stafford, Kristin D. Neff, Erin D. Reilly, Marissa C. Knox & Michael Mullarkey (2015): Meta-Analysis of Gender Differences in Self-Compassion, Self and Identity