Should You Trust Your Inner Mentor with Those Big Decisions?
There is a wonderful person sitting in our minds. She knows our dearest desires and our deepest needs. Every so often she raises a soft voice, a fleeting thought or an inkling in our bones. Too frequently we ignore her - thinking that what she offers is a fantasy or a dream. But she is resilient. As much as we push her away, she returns. Though the longer we cease to listen, the more her words get fainter and fainter.
This voice is our Inner Mentor.
In her book Playing Big, Tara Mohr describes our Inner Mentor as the part of us who is “whole, centred and loving” and the voice she brings is unburdened by fear and untouched by insecurity. This is because the Inner Mentor is the source of a precious gift we carry with us all the time - our own inbuilt wisdom.
We are used to thinking of others, usually older and more venerable, as holding the secrets of wisdom. And it is true that the vast experience of a life well-lived can lead to greater insight and understanding. This is why we seek such people out when we face a hard decision. Thinking of applying for a promotion? Ask those who have been through the process. Finding yourself at a crossroads and not sure which way to turn? Ask those more senior to you who have faced similar conundrums.
These wise mentors draw on their own experiences to advise on what the promotion committee is really looking for or the best path to take to that next role. It is this bit of information we desperately seek because we don’t have a crystal ball of our own to tell us how it will all work out. No wonder decision making is so fraught with anxiety and a concern to have enough facts to make the right choice. The sage we consult has that knowledge. Or more accurately the part of that knowledge of how it worked out for them, but not necessarily for you.
And this brings me to the wisdom that we dial down too frequently – the wisdom of our Inner Mentor. She knows our longings and our ambitions and can help us bridge the gap between now and the future. How then do we nurture her voice and hear what she has to say?
We do this by cultivating our own personal stores of wisdom. And by cherishing and nurturing our Inner Mentor.
It is rare to think of ourselves as wise. And, sadly, as the research by Judith Gluck, Irene Strasser and Susan Bluckindicates, we are still more likely to see this as a trait of men rather than women. Yet, despite its imagery of alchemy, age and gender, we all have areas of exceptional insight garnered through the lives we have already lived. Whilst it is the case that women appear to be more likely to draw on family experiences as the source of their own wisdom whereas men draw on work experiences, all parts of our lives are relevant for the development of exceptional judgement and insight into the complexity and uncertainty of making those big decisions.
Turning up the volume of our Inner Mentor’s voice and learning to trust her is achieved - in part - through enhancing our capacities for reflection and openness of mind. Wisdom is honed through reflection on past experiences so that we can develop more nuanced thinking. It is also developed by viewing things from multiple and non-judgemental perspectives. Journaling is a very good way of developing these habits.
There is, though, a further important element to include. This is to add the flesh and blood to our Inner Mentor. One way of doing this is through guided meditation. Tara Mohr provides a free online resource that prompts us to imagine our Inner Mentor quite specifically. What is she wearing? What does she look like? What does she say to you when you meet? Where is she living?
Significantly, this meditation also requires us to imagine ourselves at a later age – say in ten or twenty years. And whilst meditation may or may not be your thing, a growing body of research tells us how effective such visualisations are for developing the wisdom that we seek when making significant decisions. For example, Hershfield has explored the impact of visualising ourselves at an older age on issues such as financial decision making and improving health. When asked to imagine their future self, research participants made better future-oriented decisions when they did three things:
· they vividly and concretely visualised themselves at this later stage of life. For example, when I imagine myself in ten years I am living in another house and, yes, I have – ouch - quite a few more lines and wrinkles.
· they maintained a sense of continuity between their current and future selves. In my case I know I shall always love a cup of tea!
· they emphasised the positive qualities of their future self. This is a tough one for many of us to acknowledge because of our inbuilt modesty but I do know of myself that I can work incredibly hard at something I care about. I can also see how projecting a sense of who I will be in the future is an opportunity to think of how those things I bring to my professional and personal life can be enhanced in the here and now.
By seeing our Inner Mentor as a version of our future self we are making an emotional connection to those hopes and dreams that can be pushed aside when decision making only follows a cost-benefit or advantages versus disadvantages route. It puts our hearts into the balance. This enables us to realise another important aspect of cultivating wisdom - striving to balance the common good with our own needs.
How do we do this? By starting with understanding what those needs are and accepting that they are as real as your future self. Having that degree of self-knowledge and tuning in to your Inner Mentor when you face a big decision is vital. This does not negate the value of external mentors and supporters. Rather it adds a crucial dimension – how you want things to work out for your future you.
So - should you trust your inner mentor with those big decisions? Absolutely!
with the warmest of wishes
christina
If you want to follow up on any references:
Gluck, J Strasser, I and Bluck, S (2009) Gender Differences in Implicit Theories of Wisdom, Research in Human Development, 6(1): 27-44
Hershfield, H (2011) Future self-continuity: how conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1236, 30-43
Mohr, T (2014) Playing Big, London, Penguin